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| Ellie Goulding VS The Lyric Cricket  |
I can't say I've followed Miss Goulding's career that much if at all but I have heard a few of songs on the radio as such and it is hard to mistake that voice of hers:
So impossibly cute and eerie that it seems to have been pulled out of a bunny rabbit's sugar and candyfloss scented dream world... just before General Woundwort tears out it's jugular veins.
And therein lies the rub when it comes to my opinion on her adopted style; yes her voice is fluffy and sweet but it also seems to have a hidden edge to it. An edge that has me planning a hasty 'runaway' before prepping the Holy Handgrenade. This to me suggests that all is not what it seems or even dare I say it completely natural based appearance. Also, she is very breathy at times and not in a sexy way. More Bella Swann than Peggy Lee.
I may be the only person with enough cynicism to think this and in the long run it probably isn't that big a deal. I'll admit I find Lights nice to listen to but her rendition of Your Song left me somewhat cold but that could be the song it's self rather than the girl.
This song though... this song is just irks me.
Before I begin please take the time to read these quotes that Miss Goulding said regarding the composition of this song
'It's a song about bits of my childhood but also friendship with a specific person'
'It's umm... a song about realisation'
We shall see Goulding, we shall see...
Begin!
Stripped to the waist
We fall into the river
Already I'm annoyed and we're only on the first line. If you're going to jump into a bed of water why only strip to the waist? Do you have an aversion to getting your calves damp? Are you wearing inflatable smalls?
Sorry, I mean 'we' for even if we're treating this as a metaphor you have directly indicated that this is a group activity. This is obviously a metaphor but of what exactly? I guess if your stripped to your waist in the most extreme sense, you are bearing your heart for all to see (as well as lungs, liver and pancreas) And as we all know, bearing your heart is the most honest thing you can do. So with that in mind she/we are being completely honest and they're falling into the river, of dreams? (in the middle of the night) Or some other non-descript emotion or state because non-descript is a running theme in this one. Then again it could just be Ellie daring us to think of her hypothetical tits. Welcome to the most cerebral strip show in history
Cover your eyes
So you don't know the secret
Tits it is then
I've been trying to hide
We held our breath
To see our names are written
You don't really need to try and hide if we have our hands over our eyes now, do we? And seeing as we've got our metaphorical eyes covered, how are we going to see any metaphorical words anyway, asphyixiated or not, unless they only exist in our abstract mind? You trying to say that our mind is abstract, Goulding?
On the wreck of '86
That was the year
I knew the panic was over
That seems an awfully precise statement for this figurative nonsense you have been spouting thus far. Talk about slamming on the brakes and u-turning with all with all the grace and skill of Roger Rabbit driving a milk float. Now I'm going to go for the logical assumption that since you have named an actual year, 1986 is more likely than say 1886 or 2086. Whatever this wreck was it was enough to for you to stop stressing out about... something, so I very much doubt you're referring to the Challenger Space Shuttle disaster or say Chernobyl, unless you are in fact as cold and heartless as Cruella DeVille's more evil step-mother's barrister.
What of this panic you mention? What are we to make of that? Why were you panicking? Should we have panicked? How far a reach did this uncertain threat on our resolve have? Not that it matters though because as soon as you mention there was a panic, it's all done and dusted. Not just any panic though; 'THE' panic. That sounds pretty damn serious to me. Forget about you knowing 'THE' panic was over, most of us didn't even know it had freaking started.
What happened in 1986? How old are you Goulding? 26... hang on a minute, if my maths is correct and it often isn't but that's what a calculator is for, that means you were born in 1986. So you knew 'THE' panic was over when you had not only no concept of panic, but no concept of the word 'concept' or that your nose is not for you to shovel food into? Are you suggesting that this is not a coincidence? That at the very same time of your birth, give or take a few months either way, we no longer had anything to panic about?
Wait it gets better, could it be that you are telling us that right here, right now, all panic must cease because of your very existence? Are you are actually proclaiming yourself as our Lady and Saviour? Have I stumbled onto the 2nd coming? Should I stop typing for fear that you may smite my arse into the netherealm? If only we'd known. We've be doing it all wrong for years because we couldn't decipher the cryptic message you were giving us. Hurrah we are saved at last! Syria! did you get the memo? Goulding's here and she's told us to calm our freaking boots!
While I'm on the subject; how come you've suddenly prioritised yourself as the sole barer of the knowledge that this undisclosed panic is over anyway? (other than being God obviously)
Oh yeah, it's all good that 'you' know but 'we' were with you from the very beginning.
'We' followed you to the depths and beyond, visually impaired, nay blindfolded and almost drowned in the process. 'We' were practically your disciples and you won't even give us a freaking heads up that all is well and instead just selfishly keep the good news to yourself? Bad form Ellie! That's just not cricket. I do not suffer false prophets lightly, Goulding. Now someone get me some freaking silver.
Yes since we found out
Since we found out
That anything could happen
Anything could happen
Anything could happen
Anything could happen
Anything could happen
Anything could happen
Anything could
You put yourself in a dangerous corner here with this exclamation. Yes a lot of thing can happen, some of them may be considered on the unlikely scale to boot but to flat out say that 'anything' could happen draws you from the world of profound philosophy and towards the fool who is trying to summon the TV remote using the force whilst killing a yak with mind bullets.
This is simply a word that begins with a 'Ball' and ends stuck up the arse of a big fat 'Ox'. No matter how many times I talk to my cats they are not going to suddenly stand upright, join me on the couch in the lotus position and discuss who they think has been the best vocalist to portray Jean Valjean on stage or screen, with impeccably endearing Russian accents (however much I want it to happen)
These boundaries are too broad Goulding. You're at best deluding the gullible public who buy into your waffle, at worst your pantaloons are becoming a pile of stylish cinders and the length of your nose is fast exceeding the wing span of the Angel of the North ie. You are a big fat liar. Moreover repeating it over and over and over and over... and over and over again doesn't make it any less freaking so. Plus it makes you come across somewhat unstable.
What exactly have you found out, since you found out? What on earth did you find? What could you have possibly discovered to make you think that anything could happen? The Chamber of Secrets and Aladdin's lost lamp? A sonic screwdriver?! Dan Brown's note book?!
You know what, I'm being unfair. Forgetting the 'anything' part, she is covering her own back by saying it 'could' happen. Not will, not can, nor Will.I.AM, just 'could'.
She's part right, lots of things could happen, but probably won't.
This is about as deep and inspiring a chorus as simply saying
You can do lots of stuff
You can do lots of stuff
You can do lots of stuff
You can do lots of stuff
You can do lots of stuff
If you want to
After the war we said we'd fight together
I guess we thought that's just what humans do
Ok Goulding, this is not working. This 'we' has to be expanded upon. Who the hell are you talking about? Clarity is goddamn required because I'll tell you something if this is the same 'we' that's been mentioned from the start, and all the things 'we' have done for you on your very command then why the hell were 'we' not fighting with you during this war? Rather than strolling up to each other in the aftermath, shaking hands and then proceeding to lamp anyone who crosses our path because that's just what humans do. Well, it is if it's 2am, you're drunk on Stella and haven't two brain cells to rub together to start a fire, I guess it could be. See? I can play it safe as well.
Whether this war is a battle of fists, emotions or celestial weapons it doesn't make any sense that 'we' weren't apart of it unless the war was between 'we' and you Goulding. Maybe that's it, your disciples turned on you for not telling them the panic was over (can't say I blame them) But due to you being their self appointed messiah, then obviously once you settled your differences you rejected your ethereal powers to be more human. Do like we do, as it were.
Power corrupts Goulding, good thinking.
Letting darkness grow
As if we need its palette and we need its colour
Err... Goulding? I think you've missed out a couple of lines. Oh nothing much, just a connection that doesn't seem like you've gone from one obnoxious metaphor to another without any sense of placement, lateral thinking or possibly just a goddamn frame of reference? No?... you sure?
Ok...so forgetting the little elusive lyrical detour that got us here, what you're saying is you want everything to be... colourless? Or are that you need both the palette and the colours that come with it...? What the use is a palette with no colours? I'm pretty sure you need them both. You can't create art with colours and have no means of carrying and storing them for easy use (unless you prefer spraycans or you have a few tins of Dulux) and a palette with no colour is of no use at all unless you've run out of drinks trays or coffee coasters. But wait, are you saying that this is darknesses' palette, as in the engulfing darkness is itself an artist of our very lives and aspirations? So we're letting darknesses' artistic merit grow, which would in turn bring absolution to us as race after the war (Jesus, I've found a connection!), by needing darkness to have his palette (to hold paint) and colours (to paint with) (Why am I conjuring up the image of a horned Tim Curry with a easel?)
So what colours would darkness use could that could enlighten our very souls like this?
I'll tell you what colours: FREAKING DARK ONES!!
darkness - it does exactly what it says on the tin
Why the heck would we want, let alone need a metaphysical artist that by it's own nature will only use dark colours? I can't see darkness breaking out the lime green, buttercup yellow and fire engine red any time soon. According to Goulding we should all live like freaking goths.
'and thou shalt have darkness, and it will be needeth - Goulding 3:16
But now I've seen it through
And now I know the truth
Really? You've seen it through have you? In the dark?! REALLY??!! Been stuffing yourself with carrots have you, Bugs Goulding? Have my rabbit comparisons taken on a whole new light? Good, light would be helpful about now. So by all means light away and let it shine, let it shine.
Where's Mark Owen when you need him?
I doubt you would know the truth to this song if we laced your coco pops with sodium pentothal; you'll probably just start singing the mysteriously absent stanza I mentioned earlier, as well as something about a lion and a unicorn fighting for the crown.
Baby, I'll give you everything you need
I'll give you everything you need, oh
I'll give you everything you need
Oh who the hell are you addressing now? 'We'? The same we who you want to tease, drown, fight, make up and then paint their world black? Geez I can't possibly imagine what 'we' would need more if you're already giving them your version of everything. I think the nicest thing you could do is release 'we' from their follower contract and let them roam the earth now that they can enjoy it due to finally being told there's nothing left to panic about.
Wait a moment, I've just had a thought (painful or not it has it's uses)... Did your parents have trouble conceiving? No I'm not being a dick, it's a legitimate albeit could come across as quite a personal question but my reasons are valid:
Is this song sung from your mother's perspective? Could it be? In that case this is obviously a song about IV conception. A mother singing tenderly to her daughter but asking her to cover her eyes to know the secret of her birth, which finally happened in 1986 when the panic was over because after all the struggle of trying for a baby and the possibly numerous failed attempts, she finally gave birth to... you! Ellie Goulding! In those circumstances after finally becoming a mother, she would be so full of untold joy she could be forgiven for thinking that 'anything could happen'
Moreover, the war could mean a divorce and that you would remain with your mother and watch out for each other, fighting together for this new way of life, seeing as you're... both human
The darkness has to grown to hide you from your old life, the life your mother will do anything to keep you from because she loves you so much. So much she will give you everything you need because it's now just you and her!
And this actually matches Goulding's very own vague description about the song's meaning:
'It's a song about bits of my childhood but also friendship with a specific person'
'It's umm... a song about realisation'
By jove I think I've got it! Wow, Ellie that's really deep, to use your mother as the narrator of your own song is quite something. She must be so proud.
But I don't think I need you
.........................................
...nnnyyaaaagghhhhhhhaaahhhhhGGGGHHHHHAARGGHHHHHHHH SCREW THIS SONG!!!!!!!!
I tried, I really did but I'm sorry Goulding. This makes less sense than Inception spliced with excerpts of Eraserhead. I give up. Just tell me what the hell you are smoking so can I join you on cloud cuckoo clown land of the caterpillar people and hit me up good!
I know it's gonna be
I know it's gonna be
I know it's gonna be
I know it's gonna be
I know it's gonna be
I know it's gonna be
I know it's gonna be
I know it's gonna be
And I would walk 500 miles to take a hit from Goulding's bong
To get real high and maybe find the meaning of this freaking song
But I don't think I need you
But I don't think I need you
But I don't think I need you
Good, drugs are not my bag anyway
Instead, Papa's got a brand new gag! Just for you Goulding, now hold still damn it...
*fanfare*
Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh
duhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Finis
"Most critics couldn't make good music if they rubbed their back legs together"
Mel Brooks
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