50 Shades of (D)read: Chapter 8 - It starts...

Grey has a problem; he's a pervert and has just admitted it to his recent acquisition who has now turned out to be a touch on the inexperienced side. Inexperienced in that Anastasia Steele has probably never so much as put a condom on a cucumber. Naturally, Grey is furious by this news. I don't know why, he just is.

'I knew you were inexperienced, but a virgin?'

I suppose when you're a hot to trot billionaire, fetish loving, whip cracking, hard shagging, adopted son of a shed load of wealth playboy/helicopter pilot, then I guess it would be a bit of a shock if your latest conquest has never kissed and probably thinks fellatio is a Beethoven opera. To be honest though, she seems to be having problems having coherent thoughts. Or at least part of her does.     

"My subconscious reared it's somnambulant head"

Here's proof that E.L James has access to a thesaurus but no idea how to use it. Call me an uneducated pleb but I don't think I've seen or heard that word outside of Call My freaking Bluff. It's one of the most obscure uses of a pretentious noun I think I've ever seen in a piece of writing, and I've read Dan Brown. It actually means sleepwalking, which doesn't make sense in the context anyway. How can you rear your sleepwalking head?

So Grey is horny and Ana is sewn up tighter than pair of tights on a tightrope walker but don't worry, Grey has the answer.

'Come'

Rushing ahead of ourselves there a tad. Oh I'm sorry, thought you were finished. Carry on

'We're going to rectify the situation right now' (have you just referred to a girls maidenhead as a situation?)

'What situation?'

'Your situation. Ana, I'm going to make love to you, now'

This both shocks and excites Ana more than I think is humanly possible. Grey even jokingly adds that he will only do so with her permission and doesn't want to push his luck. I think he got permission to do this around ninety pages ago

'Please come to bed with me, I want our arrangement to work'

 

Naturally the only way this 'arrangement' is going to work is with Ana flat on her back, front or whatever position Grey takes a devious shining to. She's hardly going to argue the point; for all she knows he could naked wheelbarrow race her around room and say it's the missionary position. You know nothing, Ana Steele. Jon Snow's the font of carnal knowledge compared to you. That's where this charming remark comes into play I guess.

'We can start your training to tonight - with the basics'

The basics being this bit goes in here, these bad boys travel up there, babies come out here. Okay I'm guess I'm being overly mean. She probably has had some sex ed at least, I mean she went through at least five years of her life knowing that she either didn't want to do it or did but wanted to wait for the right person to come around. I can respect that. No seriously I can, this at least gives Ana some kind of character traits as such; patience, romantic mind set and above all else self control and pride. Good on you girl. It's shame all it takes is Grey to say that he wants to take her to bed for to lose all loss of personality building in one fell shafting. But that comes later (pardon the pun) Lets continue with Grey showing off his caring, understanding side.

'This doesn't mean I've come over all hearts and flowers; it's a means to an end'

What he is saying here is that everything he will do henceforth will be a falsehood of epic proportions. Think of it as Kryten with his lie mode on. Imagine what would happen if he forgot where the switch was:

'Your situation. Ana, I'm going to make looouuuuuhhhhhhhffffffffff...

I want to make llllloooouuuuuuuufffffffffffff tuuuuuuuuu ooooooooooo'

So lets turn the falsehood into truth accepted, Grey is raring to go so just call him Mr Flintstone and let him make your bed rock. Yabadaba doo Ana now.

So after all this waiting we finally get to the nitty gritty of the story; sex. No bondage yet, at least not in this chapter. Just Christian Grey lying through his teeth in order to not feel so guilty when he's spanking arse like he's riding her to win the Grand National. This whole sex scene is a fraud and what makes it worse is no only that he openly admits it, but she goes along with it. This is just absurd and that's not even getting to writing of this particular scene. Here are some excerpts that caught my attention.

"He steps out of his converse and reaches down and takes off his socks individually" (as opposed to the traditional way of jumping off the ground and yanking them both off at the same time whilst catching some serious air)

"He gazes up at me through impossibly long lashes" (she quickly had to turn her head away before they impaled her eyeballs)

"He leans forward, running his nose up the apex between my thighs. I feel him. There" (I know you do, you just said he was skimming his nostrils on intimates. If you didn't feel him there his sense of direction or smell is pretty sub standard)

(or not)

   

" 'You smell so good,' he mummers, and closes his eyes. A look of pure pleasure on his face" (how exactly can you see that? given the position you're in surely the only part of him you can see is the top of his curly mopped dome. maybe he has very happy looking follicles)

"Still kneeling, he grasps my foot and takes off my Converse (we would like to remind our readers that other shoe brands are available) pulling off my shoe and sock. I raise myself up on my elbows to see what he's doing." (Why? Do you think he's suddenly pulled an alchemy set out his arse and is now frantically turning lead to gold between your legs? If you said you wanted just a better look at him then fine, but no you had to be dumber than that. What do you think he's doing you daft mare? HE'S TAKING YOUR SHOES AND SOCKS OFF!! YOU HAVE LITTERALLY JUST DESCRIBED THE SAME ACTION YOU ARE QUESTIONING!! ARRRGGGHHHHHHH!!! SCREW YOU JAMES!!!)

'You're very beautiful, Anastasia Steele. I can't wait to be inside you'

"Holy shit. His words. He's so seductive. He takes my breath away"(Bull shit. These words. They're so emotionless. They take one's piss away)

 "He kneels up and pulls a condom onto his considerable length (how would you know that? this is your first time. It could be the size of a pig in a blanket and you wouldn't be any the wiser) Oh no... Will it? How?" (fear not Ana, Grey will now explain all you need to know about the birds, bees and beavers)

'Don't worry,' he breathes, his eyes on mine. 'You expand too' (spoken like a true market researcher)

Bottom line is that Ana and Grey finally have sex and guess what? Ana kind of likes it. Such a surprise.

Overall this chapter is a testament to everything that's wrong with this book. Awful writing, shallow characters, stupid dialogue and just flat out absurdity in terms of normal human behaviour.

It also dives disturbingly into E.L James' self satisfied fan service, Grey starts calling Ana 'baby' during the throes of passion which as I've come to understand it is about as out of character for him as Ana knowing every position of the Karma Sutra. We have delved now into James' subconscious and it reads like Grey is making love to her in her own twisted fantasy...

I really feel like a shower now.

50 Shades of (D)read: Chapter 7 - Eat!

"The first thing that I noticed was the smell"

Right from the off this chapter is annoying me. She noticed a smell? Surely there must be some other way to word that than 'notice'. It just sounds wrong; you don't notice a smell, in the same way that I don't observe a sudden sound. Unless the stench in this place she's just walked into is so pungent you can actually see oxblood coloured vapours spewing forth from the upholstery. I know it's such a tiny, insignificant detail that shouldn't peeve me off as much as it does but little things like this are important. Someone once said it's the little things that make the big picture whole; well this is a little thing that's annoying the crap out of me and is making the big picture a hole in the arse variety. This could just be me being a complete grammar Nazi here. (Nazi in two ways; one, being extreme in my viewpoint to the point of fascism and also because despite what I think I know, I've been mislead all these years and am actually emphatically wrong) but the point is it just smells wrong. I mean, it sounds wrong

Now that I've got that out of my system, lets continue with the story. What's happening, if you haven't already guessed, is Ana has walked into the red room of pain and is mesmerised by Grey's fine collection of riding crops, chains, whips and tickle sticks. She is especially drawn to what I believe EL James is trying so hard to describe is an X shaped crucifix. 'Hmm how gloriously freaky but strangely enticing' she thinks. Instead of say, double timing it out there fast enough to leave an Ana shaped hole in the rich mahogany door, like everyone on the face of this planet would do if they had any freaking sense. For the record; the opening paragraph to this chapter is probably the worst piece of descriptive writing since Snoopy sat down at a typewriter and began his 'Dark Stormy Night' opus. I actually think it should be given to literature students as a 'How Not To Write' guide. It's that bad.

"It's very pleasant, and the lighting is soft, subtle. In fact, I can't see the source"

This is written in the style of someone talking to themselves and being surprised by their own lack of observation

"Above it is an expansive iron grid suspended from the ceiling, eight-foot square at least"  

I'm so glad you managed to include the dimensions of something you said was 'expansive' so I know for sure now that it is indeed, expansive



Brace yourself everyone and get ready for a spoiler; it turns out that Grey invited Ana into this charming room because he wants her to agree to take part in his extracurricular, you can get away with this too if your stinky rich and have 50 shades of Grey eyes, activities. This agreement will be done with cunning use of contracts. Basically he wants full control over everything in her life and in return she will get the pleasure of his company and handcuffs. I don't know about you but that's freaking win win there! Sign on up for sodomy, slavery, destruction of freewill, defamation of character and obstruction of basic human rights. It's a wonder why no other playboy, billionaire, bellends do this more often. Hell maybe they do, but they're probably smart enough to not use somebody with all the intellect of crushed grape.

There is a moment when Grey flat out admits that Ana is driving his resolve up the wall and chewing on the ceiling fan, but she calmly states the feeling is a very much mutual and it is her who wants him more. It describes her grumbling this soft retort so I imagine it being said quietly, almost to herself kind of way. It's due to this that makes Grey's next words utterly hilarious:

 'Eat!'

It's the exclamation mark that kills me, I actually imagine Grey just blurting it out like Father Jack or like some bizarre feeding based Tourettes sufferer. Ana doesn't find it quite as funny as I do though and declines his offer of lunch because she wants to enjoy her last moments of freedom before she signs the contract.

Is she going to? Of course she is. She would sign the thing with her own fallopian tubes if Grey demanded her to.

Which leads me nicely to the contract itself:

I'm paraphrasing but here's the gist and yes Grey actually split it up into these different sections (the obnoxious scrotum)


Obedience - Ana will obey Grey at all times and drop her soaking knicker knackers whenever Grey gets a hard on. This will become second nature in time.


Sleep - Grey wants her to sleep, seven hours at a time. Because you know, she's human


Food - Ana will EAT! but will not eat too much, get fat and thereby no longer spankable


Clothes - Ana can wear whatever Grey allows her to. She be given money to buy clothes but he will always get first dibs on choice of attire, accessories, jewelry and probably even tampon size


Exercise - Grey REALLY doesn't want any fat sub-missives so a personal trainer will be on hand to shake of any clinging love handles and change them into f**k grips.


Personal Hygine/Beauty - Brace yourself for a back, crack and vag all the way (hairy munters need not apply) Grey will chose the right gay infested salon of his choosing (can't be too careful with all these metrosexuals around, can we Grey?)


Personal Safety - Ana will not be allowed to drink, have fun or take risks unless it involves getting ram-rodded with a double ended dildo, probably.


Personal Qualities - Ana will wear a chastity belt to which only Grey holds the key*metaphorically*. He will not give Ana the key to his cock cage however, nor will he even wear one *metaphorically*. In fact, there's nothing to stipulate that he can't dip his wick,  put it around all over the place with the audacity of Casanova and the subtleness of Lord Flasheart, without so much as a slap on the sphincter.


Failure to comply with Grey in these demands will result in immediate hard shagging, with a pool cue.



Sounds fair to Ana, she's as willing to sign as member of TOWIE is a place in the next series of Celebrity Big Brother. Grey also has something he calls Hard Limits; which are a list of things that Ana must sign and swear never to take part in with him.

To me, it's just a list of common sense. Something distinctly lacking in this book so far so no wonder it has to be listed. I'll try to help Ana in case she gets confused.

Grey's Hard Limits


No acts involving fireplay  (No lighting each others farts)

No acts involving urination, defecation and the products thereof (No weeing or crapping the bed)

No acts involving needles, piercing or blood (No penetrative pain, apart from Ana's by Grey cock)

No acts involving gynaecological medical instruments (No playing doctor with out a licence)

No acts involving children or animals (No lawsuits)

No acts that involve permanent marks on the skin (No acid baths)

No acts involving breath control (No spelunking)

No acts involving direct electrical current to the body (No sticking dangly bits into the mains)


Ana's not fussed, he could whip out his dick and demand that she call it Caesar the Mighty before claiming everyone of her orifices as Roman Baths and she'd still shag him.

She does have one thing to say, bit of bombshell this one, she's a... VIRGIN!

Yeah yeah, we all knew that already but Christian (the master of reading people) didn't suss it at all.

He's not happy either about it, one little bit.


I knew he was gay

50 Shades of (D)read: Chapter 6 - 'I don't make love, I Ffffornicate... hard'

I'm going to start off on a bit of a tangent here: What does a comma mean to you Ms James? To me and dare I say it a fair few others, a comma means a pause. A, pause.

This, is one thing I have noticed and become increasingly frustrated. About, this insipid book. More, than anything. So much so, it's not only affecting the way I'm reading the damn thing but also the way I'm, writing about it. Unbelievable, is E.L James' complete disdain for grammar. And, her total incapability of writing smooth exchanges of dialogue, or even a freaking sentence of more than three words to any form of competency. This is one of the many reasons why this book and the writer are just, a little bit,rubbish.

Here are just some examples for you:


'Me, too'

'Good. That's all, Andrea'

'Good evening, Miss Steele'

'Hello, Taylor'

'Yes, it's been a long day for me, too'

'Christian, it's wonderful'


Pretty much every single character in this book does this and it annoys me so much it causes my already fairly substantial dislike of a character and turns it up by freaking eleven. To me this is just bad acting, in written form. I mean if James' approach to this was to make their characters seem more stilted and wooden than an actor from Sunset Beach, trying to show any emotion other confusion and constipation, then bra freaking vo, you have damn well succeeded.

One thing I will give begrudging credit for this book, compared to many others, is that so far every chapter has started up exactly where the last one ended. I find this quite refreshing in respect much better stories sometimes taking multiple leaps in time within a small number of pages. So far however, 50 Shades wants to keep a steady track of what's going on and where, but then again hand holding through a plot as cliché and boring as this one does seem a bit extreme and unnecessary. Like no smoking sign with a picture of a coffin and a big 'you could be here' arrow pointing at the skeleton resting inside.

After the love'in an elevator incident, Grey's main concern is to get Ana home, using ways, means and ambiance designed to get her even more wet than the floppy trout she is already (what was I saying about tactics both extreme and unnecessary?) He does this by showing her his 'beast' of a car (self satisfied engorgement brought to you Audi) and playing her some opera. Which she immediately thinks is just wonderful. I have sneaking suspicion he could have played Napalm Death and it would have garnered the same response. It seems her entire lack personality is being replaced by one Grey has picked out for her, something apparently easier than changing a AAA battery in a TV remote. Grey proudly explains that he has eclectic taste, which is about as ground breaking a personality trait as saying 'I like my bread buttered', and proceeds to put on Kings Of Leon to prove it. Now which Kings of Leon song could he possibly play to showcase this? Charmer maybe? Holy Roller Novocaine? Spiral Staircase? Of course not, it's Sex on Fire. A song choice about as imaginative and obvious as an elf wearing green, having slightly pointy ears and is pretty nifty with a bow. Well done James, Grey's personality has now evolved to that of a  sheep. The music doesn't last long however when he is interrupted by a constant string of phone calls that he answers his best , mono symbolic, telephone voice. To which Ana listens to in rapturous wonder.


'Grey' he snaps, he's so brusque (dote)

'Grey' (swoon)

'Grey' (saturate)


Yes, you know you have definitely made it in the world when you can answer the phone with nothing more than your last name and the air of annoyance that someone is trying to contact you. Good thing he has one of those surnames that lends itself to that way of introduction more than others. For example if his name was Pratt, Lilicrapp or Vystrcilova.

Speaking of names, I do love this little exchange that Chris and Ana have in the car regarding his pedantic bellendness.

'Why do you insist on calling me Anastasia?' (good question)

'Because it's your name' (and because I like saying it)

'I prefer Ana' (good point)

'Do you now?' (tough shit)


He also adds that the lift thing was a mistake and won't be happening again soon. Which leaves Ana glum and alone with her thoughts (crickets and tumble weed ahoy)



"Why won't he kiss me again? (the prophet stared at his crystal ball) I pout at the thought. I don't understand. (there's no vision there at all) Honestly, his surname should be Cryptic, not Grey."



My reaction to this... 'thing', was to gently rest the book on the table, inhale slowly and exhale for around 5 seconds, just before I let gravity get the better of me and made my head plummet into the open book with a loud whump. I stayed there for around 10 seconds. This was my respite.

His surname should be Cryptic, not Grey is the lamest thing I've read in the entire story, thus far. I hope it will not be for pure exasperated rage sakes. The scale of corniness and just sheer lack of effort in this stupid comparison is woeful. Hell, the writers of flaming Hollyoaks would laugh you out of the room if it was suggested.


Besides if his surname was Cryptic then he would undoubtedly be Batman's next nemesis.


When they arrive at Ana's they are greeted by a 'jus' been shagging' Kate and Elliott, Grey's foster brother and own personal weapon of mass procreation. They both seem in a happy mood and very loved up as much as anyone who just met and had sex with would (single eyebrow raised in your direction James) Christian leaves Ana a parting gift, literally he parts a some of her hair that got loose, which causes Kate to lose control after he looks at her, leaving James' in her wistful, somewhat obtuse element.

"My breath hitches at the contact and I lean my head into his fingers. His eyes soften, and he runs his thumb across my lower lip. My blood sears in my veins"(as opposed to your ear canals?)


Kate wants to hear all the gossip after the Brothers Grey leave on there merry way and is anxious to know if Ana is as big a whore as she is. When the answer turns out to be no, she doesn't seem surprised (no one is as big a whore as Kate after all) but vows to doll up Ana good and proper so that Grey has no option but to sex her up good and proper. That's what friends are for after all.


Christian comes to pick Ana up the next evening, with his driver and sets off to the to the heliport so he can show off just how well he can pilot his ginormous manhood, I mean big chopper, I mean metaphor for his well endowed masculinity, I mean dick. The flight goes by without a issue, just a lot of bravado talk and a woman author who clearly has no real clue about helicopter flight lingo or logistics other than what she scraped up from Wikipedia and watching Air America.
 
They land, disembark and Christian proceeds to lay his cards on the table to make it perfectly clear that the only person in control right now, is him.


"He doesn't take his eyes off me. I feel them following me as I turn and glance around this vast room. 'Room' is the wrong word. It's not a room - it's a mission statement"


Actually I think you'll find that room is indeed the right word. Regardless of size, a room is still a room. Mission statement is both incorrect in the context, whether metaphorical or literal. I think the word/words you are looking for is power-play, or mission objective, or I'm seriously over compensating for something in the trouser department. Stop trying to be clever James', it comes across as desperate, just like Ana.


At this point the book is incensing me so much my sinuses I've started to haemorrhage .


And it seems like it's only going to get worse before it gets better. Christian gives Ana a non disclosure agreement to read over and sign so that he may indulge in sexual relations with this man and she can't say anything to anyone. Does she read it? Nope, she just signs it, no questions asked. The excuse James gives Ana for doing this is that she would never tell anyone about what her and Christian get up to regardless so if it bothers him so much she'll just shut up and sign, like an obedient dog, who can hold a pen (they exist, check out Youtube. Srsly) Our protagonist ladies and gentlemen. Two short planks got nothing on this broad. Signed on the dotted line Ana asks the question she;s begging to ask since she laid eyes on his dark, light, ever indecisive, grey eyes.



'Does this mean you're going to make love to me tonight, Christian?'

'No, Anastasia, it doesn't. First, I don't make love. I f***k... hard (empowered women of the world unite)
'Secondly, there's a lot more paper work to do' (maybe all first dates like should come contractual clauses, oh wait, that won't work because of the book e most normal people will tell you to f***k off if the mere mention of legality and non disclosure is mentioned, no matter how hard you claim to f***k)



So after the paper week is signed, Christian decides to show her his play room. Ana, bless her little virgin socks, she thinks they are going to play Xbox. What he does show her is actually not revealed, first cliffhanger ending of a chapter so far, (well,as much a cliffhanger when you start pretending fall off the couch, until you realise you actually are falling so your arms are waving around like an air traffic controller on acid)

I guess this can only mean one thing; bring on the RED ROOM OF PAIN!!

(as if James' writing wasn't torturous enough)

50 Shades Of (D)read: Chapter 5 - 'You.Are.So.Sweet'

When we last left the story, Ana was by all intents and purposes, captive of number one fan Christian Grey after he stole her away from her house mate and friend (with unwelcome benefits) and brought her to his conveniently placed hotel for health and safety reasons. Now seeing as I'm reading 50 Shades of Grey and not a bizarre take on Stephen Kings Misery, it's fair to say that at some point there's going to be a some shagging down the line. Yes I knew what I was getting into before I signed on for this.

Both the lead characters are in the same place and are spending the night together it would seem that now would be a good a time as any you would think, but god darn it Miss EL James, you just love this verbal foreplay don't you? So no go on the low riding just yet. Sorry to spoil that for you but I know some of you will only start caring about this when we get to the tits and arse.    

The chapter begins with Ana waking up in a strange room, that she has no recollection of and slowly realises that she is in Christian Grey's hotel suite. No sign of him however. All she has for company is some Advil on the bedside table and a severe lack of clothing as she is clad in nothing but her underwear. She hears a knock on the door and as she describes it, her heart leaps into her mouth and she can't find her voice. Probably because her vocal cords are now being smothered by her left ventricle, It happens to me whenever ride Oblivion at Alton Towers. The cause of the knocking belongs to the all colourful, drunk-abducter himself; fresh from a gruelling workout of squat thrusts and serious posturing. Dressed in grey sweat pants, grey sweatshirt and as fine film of his own lascivious grey sweat ('Eau De Grey - Smells like money... and cock')  and she finds herself  gawking at Grey's, post-gym anatomy. A sight that makes her lose her breath again faster than you can say McDreamy.

After reminding Ana to breathe (again) Christian questions her on her general health and she notices, more than anything else, that his once bright grey eyes are now alluringly dark. This guys eyes change colour more often than Doctor Who.

Apart from the confusing 50 shades of Grey's ocular receptors, Ana realises that he is too good at hiding his feelings and just can't read him as well as she would like to. You know what else makes someone good at hiding their feelings? I don't know, maybe only knowing them for about three days, possibly.

He explains that she fell unconscious due to tequila poisoning, he undressed her and put her to bed. Before Will Smith can burst in and ask if they got 'Na Na Na Na NaNaa - Drunken Jiggy With It'  Grey assures her otherwise, in a most perplexing way.

'You were comatose, I don't do necrophilia.'

If these different states confuse him it's a good job he made his millions outside the medical profession.

Ana is at first little annoyed that he tracked her phone and stole her away from her friends but
Grey doesn't waste any time in reminding her that if he hadn't she could have well woken up with a deep sense of regret after a Whole Lotta Jose. He makes the point that she didn't seem keen on him 'pressing his suit' on her.

Pressing his suit? I resorted to Google for this one. It turns out to be a very old fashioned term for wooing. As if the term wooing wasn't old enough. I don't care how detached or delusional a person you may be; no one would say crap like that. Ana is in agreement with me and asks if the good sir grey is playing the white knight (she was never good with colours)

'Anastasia, I don't think so. Dark knight, maybe'

So strange and stiff a sentence I have seldom read. Seriously, it's not just the punctuation but the wording too is only slightly more instinctual than putting your fist in a food blender. Maybe if he didn't say her full name at the beginning it would flow a bit better but he just seems to be obsessed with saying her full name. Is this guy really this formal? Wonder how peeved he gets if his mates call him Chris? Actually he'd probably just fire them.

He then educates Ana on the dangers of drinking on an empty stomach, something we can at last all relate to. He explains all this running hands through his hair and apparently according to her own little head, this means he's getting exasperated. But then this is the same girl who less than four paragraphs ago admitted to not being able to read him at all. So what we have here is an unreliable narrator. He could have quite easily just been thinking about cheese.

But it turns out he was quite concerned about party Ana's antics. A little too concerned maybe.

'Well, if you were mine you wouldn't be able to sit for a week after the stunt you pulled'

He says with dread etched on his face. Yeah, I don't get that either

'I'd hate to think of what could have happened to you'

Oh how nice of .... wait a minute. She wouldn't be able to sit down for a week? That can only mean one thing, and sure as hell don't think it means he's going to hide all her chairs from her. She doesn't even question it though. Not even a little 'err...what do you mean by that?' Nope, she just scowls at him as if he's just said that you should never mix your drinks and never talk with your mouth full (perhaps that's a later chapter though) The only thing that she zeros in on and does the mental happy dance in bright red hula skirt at the thought of, is that of her being his. I didn't make that metaphor up either. It's in the book, from Ana's own subconscious. Not kidding. Wish to god I was.

Christian wanders off to prepare breakfast ie. order it, but not before she says she's going to have a  shower. A shower in a bathroom that she remarks is both hot and steamy, with the water; warm and soothing. Next she'll be remarking that the toilet is wet and flushy. Speaking of wet and flushy, Ana really likes this shower and REALLY likes the body wash that smells of Grey. She likes it so much she decides to clean herself thoroughly with it whilst exploring her finally revealed divine secrets of her ya-ya sisterhood.

'This feels so... so good'

And you've missed out on at least 6 years of that very feeling. Sucks to be you.  

Oh, just a quick reminder Ana, Breathe.

So after her brief, criminally overdue soiree with basic human instinct she gets changed into the new clothes that Grey has so kindly purchased for her, which all fit as perfect as Cinderella's glass freaking slipper. I'm guessing that Grey must have found a use for Ana's unconscious form other than violating it, he does seem the type to have a tape measure handy in the bedroom. Happy with her new duds she decides to venture forth and have a face to face with, as she puts it, Mr Confusing. For me however, the only really confusing thing is how could EL James write this next part and not realise how daft it sounds. 

"Christian is sitting at the dining table at the other side of the room reading a newspaper. It's the size of a tennis court"

I'm sorry, I don't care how different your reading habits are but if you end a sentence with an action and a object and then start the next line with a description, you automatically connect it to the last thing you read. So on this basis here's me cackling my arse off at the mental image of Christian Grey holding a 30ft broadsheet with Go-Go Gadget Arms. And now you're imagining a giant copy of the Times with a scarily long robotic appendages sticking out of it's columns. See how easy it is? This is what an editor is for. It makes me wonder if this book was edited at all, if it was it's was as easily distracted as a magpie looking at a disco ball.


Grey has ordered a wonderful spread for breakfast, in that he has chosen everything just on the off chance that there will be something on there she likes. Grey remarks that her hair is very damp. Either Grey is a little too observant or just a bit thick, Seeing as she's just come out of the shower she just told him she was getting. She was also masturbating.

Over breakfast it is revealed that Grey sent the expensive books as an apology for not kissing her after saving her from someone who mistook her flat personality for a cycle path. He doesn't do romance and yet he can't stay away from her.

"He can't stay away!" she suddenly realises

Yeah apparently the whole turning up to her work, giving her his private number and swooping in like some kind of Lycra clad rape alarm, when she's so drunk even the pink elephants are given her a wide birth, still wasn't enough for Ana to finally accept the bleeding obvious. To be fair it may not be too hard to swallow; I mean she's still got to figure out what her trachea is for after all.

Another hint that he can't stay away is the fact that after he finds out Ana has procured a place in Seattle which is not far from him, he flat out gives Ana a job without knowing anything about her credentials other than how much of an unobservant, ridiculously naïve air head she is. Geez, you've got a good one there, I hope that arse is worth it. Ana is finally getting it into her little brain that this guy has the hots for her and actually tries to move things along by just asking him to DO SOMETHING! (as am I by this point) 

'I'm not going to touch you, Anastasia - not until I have your written consent to do so'

In the immortal words of Han 'Yes, I damn well did shoot first' Solo:

'I have a bad feeling about this'

This bad feeling stems from the fact that I remember someone saying something about this so-called contract and how outrageously stupid the list of terms & conditions. Yes, worse than ITUNES. But that's a for another chapter. Yip de do.

One thing that I find out about this chapter is that Grey has some bloody strict table manners: As well as not approving of damp hair whilst dining he insists that Ana eat everything on the plate like some poor sods fussy mum. This guy is getting weirder and weirder. After what was threatening to be a chocolate fudge cake scene from Matilda, Ana does start eating and manages to show her compliance by finishing her plate, and that never fails to get brownie points from deranged, yuppie, control-freaks with mummy issues.     

'Good girl, I'll take you home when you've dried your hair. I don't want you to get ill'

Ana can't stop thinking about this (her brain must be in agony)
There is a some kind of unspoken promise to his words. What does he mean?


It's fairly self explanatory Ana; he wants you to dry your hair and after that he will take you home. Whatever 'unspoken promise' you can hear in these words must be reserved to the frequency that can only be heard by those with the intellect of a butter knife. So how is Grey going to take Ana home? Why by helicopter of course! He's got a pilot on freaking speed dial; anytime any place, ol' Charlie Tango will be there. And whenever you want to take the more personal route, Christian Grey will fly the helo himself. Fully qualified as a pilot at the same school that taught Tony Stark and Postman Pat. Christian Grey; the most implausible character in fiction since Zaphod Beeblebrox.       

 Knowing that she could be in for the ride of her life, Ana gets ready to leave for home but not before brushing her teeth. She decides to be really daring and use Grey's toothbrush in the vein hope that it would feel like him in her mouth. Alas it is simply wet, bristly with a not a vein in sight. Rookie mistake

They both leave and ride the lift together, where Grey, finally, jumps her. Quite literally too.

'Oh, screw the paper work' (or words to that affect) he growls. He lunges at me, pushing me against the wall of the elevator.

"I've never been kissed like this" (or ever in fact)

"His erection is against my belly" (wrong hole, arse hole)

Oh my... he wants me, Christian Grey, Greek God  (Helicopter Pilot, Groomer of Women, Spanker of Butt-Cheeks, The Oncoming Porn, Raging Homophobic Entrepreneur Extraordinaire, Ruler of the Portland Kingdoms and Protector of Ana's Virgin Realm)

House Grey and their words: We Do Not Blow

'You.Are.So.Sweet'

Him saying that, doing what he's doing, in such a spasmodic manner is about as disturbing a thought as him getting confused with someone feinting and their soul being sucked out of their body. This guy is just horrible. I don't care if he looks like a cross between, Hugh Jackman, Henry Cavill, Johnny Depp and a Rampart Rabbit. This is such a work of fiction and fantasy I'm half expecting Gandalf to burst out of a Grey's arse, aiming his staff at Ana and screaming 'Fly you fool!!'


And that's it, the chapter pretty much ends there.

I had a lot of fun reading this chapter, in the same way that I had a lot fun watching After Earth. So bad it's beyond terrible and yet so amusing to read and wonder what illiterate planet the author was from and how much a vegetative state the editor was in when they read through this. Makes me wonder if Grey himself gave the diagnosis.

I hope this writing continues with the same level of care and skill for the rest of the book.
I may just survive this after all.

Fifty Shades of (D)read : Chapter 4 - Hmm... Tequila

One thing I will say about this book; the chapters follow on from each other almost immeditately. The last chapter

'Kiss me, damn it' she muses in her lust riddled mind.

Here is Desperate An, living up to her name sake and wanting Grey to pucker the hell up and get on with what the book is supposed to be about. I'm kind of in agreement at this point, all we need now is a singing lobster and Disney song just so we can get the soppy stuff over and move into the promised 'Bom Chikka OW OW' territory.

But no, his actual response is to tell Ana to steer clear of him and that he's not the man for her, despite the stalking, jealousy around other men and general creepiness that only a couple of million in the banks can disguise or justify. Saying it like that maybe he has a point too. If that were the case then this would be last chapter and seeing there's at least a Hobbit sized proportion of the book left I'm guessing he's going to change his mind, again, at some point. But not before Ana has another bout of respiratory arrest, just for a change.

I'm not saying that EL James is a hack writer with zero creativity and as limited linguistic flair as a See Spot Run book, but in the first page alone (not even a full page a might add) she uses the word breathe or a variation of it six times. Six times. I know, I counted and two of these occasions were Grey telling her to remember to breathe. Good thing too, seeing as ability to perform that basic bodily function seems only slightly less so than her ability to be remotely interesting.

Or does it? That's the strange thing about this chapter actually; I didn't mind reading it that much. For a start, Ana finally joins the vertebrates of the world and tells Christian where to go after being utterly humiliated (in her own mind, bless), and after he sends two very expensive first editions of that classic 'Tess of the Baskervilles: A Pure Woman Scarily Presented In Luminous Paint', which she has just been studying for her course, she decides to send them back with a note telling him to puck off, or words similar in sound. So the exams are over and she proceeds to do what most anyone does in the dire circumstances of unrequited boning; let their hair down, get blind drunk and dance the night away. But what should you never do after you've had a few too many tequilas? Check your phone without your mates around, for as well all know; drunken texts or calls are never a good thing.

You know, I don't actually mind that she calls Grey in her intoxicated state, it's a very real thing to do and from an outsider's perspective it's always an amusing thing to be told or read about. Grey is initially surprised by the call but then he is more concerned by the slurredness of Ana's speech, if she has a designated driver for the night and probably how she's managing to inhale and exhale without verbal reminders. In the end he is so concerned that he says he's coming over despite that fact that she's in Portland and she never said which bar she's in. Ana hangs up the phone and laughs it off; I mean by the time he gets here and scouts all the bars and clubs Portland has to offer she will long gone, she thinks. Oh ye of little implausible thinking.

After she hangs up and gets back to her companions Jacob, sorry I mean Jose Black, I mean Jose Luis Rodriguez begins to put the moves on Ana. He has faith that she likes him as much as he does you her. She notices something a miss when he wants to touch her body, because he knows not everybody has a body like hers. So just when it's likely that she's going to get kissed and at the same time she's on the verge of throwing up her last slammer and salt mix, who should save the day (night)? Is it a bird? is it a plane? is it the most ridiculous and contrived plot point in the book thus far? You betcha.

Man of Grey, desperately wants to be inside Steele, wastes no time in resolving the situation, after leaping cities with a single bound stopping Speedy Gonzales in his track and then helps Ana empty out the contents of her stomach. That may have been the tequila though.

"I glance up anxiously at Christian. He's glowering at Jose, and he's furious"
Thanks for clearing that up EL James, I could have easily mistaken Grey glowering happy thoughts at the dude. I'm mocking your writing James, and I'm being sarcastic.

Turns out that Grey was tracing Ana's phone and was staying in a local hotel with his brother in tow. He's set his brother on Kate so he can have some time with Ana alone without any interruptions or concerns for her welfare. I mean that literally, the book flat out admits that Grey's brother Elliot is given instruction by Christian to distract Kate by shagging her brains out. What a family. Ana also sees another side to Grey as he goes all Travolta on her and busts some moves on the dance floor. This hidden mojo and gigolo bro comes so out of the blue I was actually choking on my coke when I read this whole section. Not because it's wittily written, just because it's so freaking absurd. This one of the reasons why I actually enjoyed this chapter, it has traces of believability followed by some fruit bat cake nuttiness. Like if you take an episode of The Office and it's revealed that David Brent is a secret operative for MI5.

The chapter ends with Grey getting Ana back to his crib and her saying the word which Kate and Elliott are probably going to do when ever there's a free cubicle

"Fuck!"

You'll get your chance soon Ana, I have it on good authority he's not just interested in you for your lack of mind





     

50 Shades of (D)read: Chapter 3 - Holy Crap!

We left Ana with the completely unexpected revelation that she may actually like Mr Grey in a purely non-platonic way. Despite that fact that he's been all she ever thinks and dreams about since they first met, but hey we can't be too on the nose about these things.

Kate is very pleased about the idea of a photo shoot with Mr Grey, she's actually more than pleased; she's ecstatic. I'm not exaggerating, it's the opening line of the chapter.

"Kate is ecstatic."

 See

Also Kate tried to drill it in some more that Grey may actually like Ana too, based on descriptions of every single interaction she has had with the man. Ana shrugs off the idea that he may have come to the exact hardware store that she works in as just coincidence. Hmm... the same coincidence/plot contrivance that makes the photographer they choose for this honour being none other than Jose 'things would be much different if I was rich' Rodriguez: Ana's best friend and favourite cock to tease.

So Ms James, he just happens to be a photographer does he? Of course. There would be no reason for him to meet Mr Grey otherwise and they have to meet to start this whole love triangle properly (which is as much a triangle as a trapezium is an actual trapeze) They couldn't have possibly have met at the store that she works at because that's where he met the other 'no chance of even a Christmas Card' suitor, who at this moment hasn't even progressed to cliché geometric metaphors. So obviously James had to shoe-horn a way of getting Jose so hence he's a photographer. My mind is turning no-hands cartwheels at this unparalleled creativity. Jose, predictably (gasp) is a little uncertain:

"I do places, Ana. Not people"

Fear not Joe, the man is so egotistically vast that he probably needs planning permission whenever he goes to the barbers, I'm sure you'll be fine. You'll want to punch him but you'll be fine.

Ana takes out the Sacred Business Card of Grey and before Indiana Jones swoops in a claims such a priceless artefact should belong in a museum and calls the number. To which presumably this one use only card self destructs like a Mission:Impossible cassette tape.

Mr Greystoke: Lord of the Consensual Rapes agrees on tomorrow for the photoshoot so all in all the call goes better than expected, considering that Ana during the brief conversation, doesn't recognise her own voice and has to remind herself to breathe. She seems to be doing this a lot and it actually makes me wonder if Ana either has a problem with long-term memory or some undisclosed genetic defect which would require surgery to install an internal respirator. All she seems to do is flush, blush and forget that her lungs are not just a fashion accessory. Imagination and creativity James? Bah who needs it when you've got repetition and trite expressions on how much a person can 'take your breath away' At least you actually described Christiano Greynaldo as having smoky eyes instead of bright. Round of a freaking applause for that U-turn.

*clap clap*

So tomorrow swings by in the next paragraph, the photo-shoot is on and Richie Bitch turns up wearing a white shirt and grey (OF COURSE!) pants. To which Ana responds in her mind (I flipping hope so) with:

"Holy Crap!"

I knowww, the shock of horror of him wearing a different shade of clothing other than grey and said white shirt unbuttoned at the top must be too much for your poor, virginal mind to handle. Aww didums.

And now the drooling really can begin. She's so overwhelmed by his very boringly described appearance I'm surprised she doesn't faint on the spot in the hope of mouth to tongue resuscitation

Anyway to cut a long and boring story short. I'll break it down into 4 key parts (which was a task in itself in this snooze fest

• The photo shoot goes fine, Grey is introduced to Black (sorry, Jose) and he seems cold towards him because he suspects they maybe an item. Ana and Jose that is
• Grey invites Ana for coffee, which after some fiddling with transport arrangements she agrees to do (shock) even though she doesn't like coffee (double shock)
• They go for coffee and talk about very little of interest, Grey comes across a quite cold and not very charming which gives Ana cause for concern (for about 2 mins)
• Grey saves Ana from being hit by a Bradley Wiggins trainee, she ends up in Grey's arms and in her own mind projected words:

"For the first time in twenty one years, I want to be kissed. I want to feel his mouth on mine"

So she's a virgin then?




Codswallop  
















  

50 Shades of (D)read: Chapter 2 - Cable ties?

So everyone can breathe a sigh of relief; Ana managed to gather up her lolling tongue from the floor, get her overly flushed form into Kate's car and managed to drive back to Portland without veering off into a hay field after being dazzled from the memory of intensely glaring 'bright grey' eyes.

Kate is very happy with Ana's interview results (of course she is, she didn't have to do sweet F all; she was curled up in a fluffy pink onesie at the time and didn't so much as incur Mr Grey's death stare at the mention he may bat for the other team) Kate seems like the real winner in this story, mainly on the improbability that she merely finds Christian Gravy a 'good looking son of a bitch' and not the epitome of male beauty, sexuality and general wanton lust.

I do find it annoying that she says she's sorry that she didn't give her a biography to make her look like she at least knew the basics of the person she was interviewing and to be honest I can understand why Ana is a bit miffed: Kate love, a biography wasn't necessary, a fragging sheet of bullet points would have sufficed.
It wouldn't have been that taxing.

'Thanks for doing this Ana, oh by the way this guy Christian Grey is a twenty seven self made millionaire, no real social life or girlfriend so obviously he's a raging homo and so absurdly good looking you better pack your knickers with Tena Ladies just in case you cream yourself if he so much as breathes down wind of you.'

But in the end it matters not to Kate, she's busy transcribing the interview and pleased as punch to get her exclusive scoop and is there purely to keep reminding Ana that it sounded like Christian Grey was taken with her *shock*

Naturally Ana won't have any of this nonsense; 'Mr Grey taken with me? Oh surely not, he was far too abrupt, far too handsome and I was far too staring at him like a starved poodle on heat' So despite all the evidence of the last meeting and the fact that Dick-Hard Greyson was practically shagging her with his eyes, Steeley An' is adamant that it's all in her head. At this point in the story this girl couldn't read the signs if they were 20 foot tall, covered in fairy lights made by real fairies, holding lit torches in the formation of giant 69 and all of them singing 'Let's Get It On'.

Maybe he should have rodgered some resolution into her from the off after all, save us a few chapters of needless busy deliberation and metaphoric foreplay of will they,won't they (yes, of course they freaking will) at least. Then again at this particular stage, even after the diiiirty deed had have been done, Ana is such an insecure drip she'd have probably spent the entire, newly uncomfortable drive home pondering whether she lead him on or was it all because of something she was wearing.

Also in this chapter the Twilight fan fiction origin comes into full swing with the introduction of Jose...Pitch, I think I'll call him; Ana's best friend who is tall, dark, hot, muscular, likable and he wants her, but she sees him only as a brother and I'm surely not going to be only one to call bull shit on this am I?

"He's tall, and in his jeans an t-shirt, he's all shoulders and muscles, tanned skin, dark hair and burning dark eyes" (you and me Miss James are going to have to have a word about your nonsensical contrasting light/fire metaphors. Any more and I will ignite your arse with my icy stare of exasperation)

"Yes, Jose' is pretty hot but I think he's finally getting the message that we're just friends"  (and that his sculptured, globed shoulders serve only for crying on in times of not getting any)


By her own inner voiced admission she says he's good looking and they get along really well but she's just never found anyone attractive enough to want to ride like a goddamn buckaroo until she hits a 6.9 on the Greyscale?


Say it with me... BULL SHIT!


This is a classic example of the author projecting their fantasies onto us. It's not enough they are so starved of excitement that they have to write about 2 guys fawning over their self based projection character but they have to do so with the perfect embodiments of male specimen since Rocky Horror and Hugh Jackman in Australia. But obviously you have to be PC about this so as much as you want to you can't bang them both, so what better than to be a giant cock tease to the one you're actually friends with? But even though he's just a friend you have to also make him, not just nice to you but ridiculously good looking too to make the fantasy complete.

 If you are going to create a self projected dream case scenario for yourself but want to be taken seriously as a writer; stop making the 'like a brother but wants more' character hot enough to give Arthur Brown pyrophobia. If the guy is that nice and that attractive then she would be with him. No ifs. No buts. No other fecking possibilities. Moving on.

Ana has a part time/full time job at a hardware store (kay...) the owner of the store's son has a massive thing for her (naturally) and Tristan Grim himself turns up out of the grey (oh sod off)

But hey that's rich people for you; with the right kind of money you can find out anything about a person you want to stalk (You best think of that too the next time you piss off a rich friend by not sleeping with them).

After Ana has composed herself to remind both Christian (and herself) of what her own name is, he eventually reveals the purpose of his stupidly long, drawn out and out of the way journey.

He's here to buy cable ties

Cable ties?

Cable ties

Cable... ties?

Yesssss ,cable tiesssss

(In my opinion, when the inevitable 50 Shades of Musical comes out they have to name one of the songs 'Cable Ties' *jazz hands*)

He must need them for .... tying something... possibly cables. Who knows? Ana sure as crap doesn't.

He also wants masking tape and five yards of natural filament rope. Now either he's a murderer covering his tracks, an rich S&M practitioner that has been, most likely driven 300 miles to the very shop she works in so he can sexually mess with her poor confuddled head by buying things he get a runner to fetch with his morning coffee and copy of Bound & Gagged, or he works for the US postal service. Given that she knows he's got a job that doesn't involve dealing with hyperactive dogs (apart from those 'gagging' for it poodles) then she makes the Holmes like deduction he must be none of the above and is doing some DIY instead.

*headdesk*


He does however agree to a photo shoot to go with the interview (something that would have taken Kate 5 years to procure, if only she'd known the key to man's private life was in his trousers) and he also gets really abrupt again when Mr Son of the Boss get's familiar enough to hug Ana in front of his very presence 

'the hell does this guy think he is?!' most likely murder muses The Grey Man as he shakes this... Paul's hand.

But soon after Paul disappears, Grey becomes bright again, pays for his sex aids and jauntily throws the plastic bag over his shoulder as he exits the store after leaving Ana his personal business card.

The image and act of carrying that small plastic bag in that manner is so ridiculous not even Samuel L Jackson could make it look cool. Try it when you're next in Tescos and feel a wally too.

But at least, after all that, Anastasia has come to the startling, Earth shattering conclusion that there may be just the slightest possibility that indeed, yes.....

She does like him



*headdesk*

50 Shades of (D)read: Chapter 1 - 'Are you gay, Mr Grey?'

50 Shades of Grey is, without question; a phenomenon.


a. An unusual, significant, or unaccountable fact or occurrence


That doesn't automatically put it into the 'good' category however. On the contrary, I have heard on good authority that this piece of landmark literature is quite frankly, pants. And very much tailored only to women.

I find that fascinating; not only is this story about male domination, sadomasochism, bondage and fricking spanking but it apparently does so in a way to make the man seem as perfect as a Sunday roast with dumplings (or nut loaf for you kinky veggies) and not a dirty fetish crazed failure of a male specimen that deserves to be spat on whenever at fleming distance; as most women would think to an actual practitioner of such dark arts. Those dreamy Times New Roman italics however? Not a dry pair of knickers in the house.

So here's the question: Can a book about all things very much in most men's fantasies actually appeal to men? Or is it purely a humongous vibrator cleverly disguised as a paper back; not really that much of a turn on for us and we'd be quickly amusing ourselves by switching it to the 'cum in 60 seconds' setting and watching it breakdance on the floor.

 So I'm going to read 50 Shades, I'm going to read it all the way through despite my common sense throwing away the now broken alarum bell and is readying the air raid siren, and I'm going to do so one chapter a week. No more no less. I don't want to push myself to breaking point just yet and can only handle so many orgasms at once. Despite what the books say we men DO have limitations.


Hold on to your handcuffs.... let's begin


So we start off with Ana (Anastasia Steele) getting ready in the bathroom, getting ready in a hurry and trying to insert a subliminal message into her head to never go to sleep with wet hair. I feel your pain Ana (seriously, if I do that I wake up looking like Mr Majeika too)

However I do find it a bit pointless to rinse repeat this statement when the task is already done, it's like me holding a wheelie bin full of beer cans whilst watching the truck's headlights disappear round the corner and repeating to myself 'Must remember, recycling is Thursday every other week' I appreciate the sentiment but chances are I'll forget about it again by the time a fortnight swings around with mere suggestions of the mind alone. The only reason for you is because you've washed your hair late at night and have been too tired to anything other then catching zeds as soon as you gain sight of your bed. Let's be honest here Ana; it was your fault for having a shower so damn late in the first place.

Getting back to the story at hand, Ana is getting ready for the purpose of interviewing the CEO of the eponymous Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc; a major benefactor of the university she attends, for a student newspaper. Is she a reporter? Nope, she's doing this to help out her journalist housemate Kate, who has the bird-flu (something I can also relate to at this point, the stench of Vics in this place is so potent that even my cats are looking light headed) 

Will anything happen if this interview doesn't go ahead? Is the shadowy Grey Enterprises going to cut funding of the university if the CEO doesn't get their say? Nope, life would go on as per normal without as much as a personal fine for time wasting. Hell even a flipping dentist has more clout than that. It is mentioned that it took Kate nine months to get this interview and would take a further six to reschedule, which by that point both of them would have graduated, moved on and no longer giving a shit. I can accept that, what I can't accept is that Ana was Kate's only hope for this interview to take place. She's not a part of the student newspaper, she doesn't know who the guy is nor is she remotely prepared for the very task at hand. Why not someone else from the newspaper? Are they all too damn busy to not step in as substitute when they have been waiting nine months for this story to break? What the hell could be more important? Flaming Lacrosse play-offs?

Also haven't they all got exams they have to study for? They do? That actually makes sense, turns out Ana has too and yet still has to sacrifice her time when none of this has anything to do with her other than having the unfortunate coincidence to be friends with someone who it does.

Is Kate the only person on staff? Is this whole student paper just run by her as editor in chief of staff roving reporter, photographer journalist? No wonder she got sick, her life must be a minefield of stress claymores triggered by hidden dead lines.

Being the good friend that she is however, Ana agrees to go in her place, conduct the interview herself even though she has no idea who this person is nor what to ask, she sets off on the 165 mile drive to do so; like the really good good, superfantiliastic friend she is!

Seriously this is almost the equivalent of me driving to London and that's a long journey. We're talking over 3 hours and that's only if the traffic is light. At least she has the decency to lend Ana her car though, I hope she remembered to fill it up with a full tank because she's going to bloody need it. Kate has also given her pre-prepared cheat sheets of questions, so I guess she's not going into the lions den without a wooden chair and whip.

Ana makes it to the interview and meets her mysterious interviewee and wouldn't you know it? Christian Grey turns out to be a plain, modest man with a kind smile and an unintimidating physique. He's dressed smartly but looks so normal you wouldn't look at them twice if you were seated opposite on the train. He's friendly, polite and overall a very nice if somewhat unassuming chap.


Yeah, right

 

"So young-and attractive, very attractive"

 

 

'He's tall, dressed in a fine grey suit (subtle) , white shirt and black tie with unruly dark-copper hair (brought to you by Schwarzkopf) and intense, bright grey eyes (bright grey? like fluorescent black?) that regard me shrewdly. It takes a moment for me to find my voice"

 

 

"He smiles, revealing perfect teeth, white (not grey this time) teeth. I stop breathing (medic!) 

He really is beautiful. No one should be this good looking"

 

 

 

So this is Mr Christian Grey, a hunk with a heart of intemperate severity and aloofness. Actually the guy comes across as a walking dick and this is before he gets the 'bad girl' paddles out. I'm guessing that EL James wants the reader to think this and has written him like so for a reason. At least I fecking hope so.

 

What unnerves me however comes towards the end of the chapter. After reading from the cheat sheet of questions and so far only establishing that Mr Grey is very wealthy, is looking into investing in farming technologies and is generally an arse hole, she blurts out the question 'Are you gay, Mr Grey?'

 

I could be wrong but this question could be the catalyst for the entire book to unfold. He is so taken aback, insulted and angered by her question I'm surprised he didn't whip out is johnson and prove to her that she is very much mistaken by banging her senseless around his 'too big for one man' room (she's clearly up for it anyway given she's left a snail trail of drool from the doorway to the seat she's now convulsing in.) I think Kate just set her up to get nailed, HARD

 

I'm exaggerating obviously but the fact is over the course of the book; that's exactly what he does. Just in a slower, deliberate, need to fill a further 500 pages kind of way. 

 

Am I the only one that finds this very homophobic? Really wasn't expecting that in 50 Shades of Giving Her One. 

 

 

What's in the next chapter? Scientology?