50 Shades of (D)read: Chapter 8 - It starts...

Grey has a problem; he's a pervert and has just admitted it to his recent acquisition who has now turned out to be a touch on the inexperienced side. Inexperienced in that Anastasia Steele has probably never so much as put a condom on a cucumber. Naturally, Grey is furious by this news. I don't know why, he just is.

'I knew you were inexperienced, but a virgin?'

I suppose when you're a hot to trot billionaire, fetish loving, whip cracking, hard shagging, adopted son of a shed load of wealth playboy/helicopter pilot, then I guess it would be a bit of a shock if your latest conquest has never kissed and probably thinks fellatio is a Beethoven opera. To be honest though, she seems to be having problems having coherent thoughts. Or at least part of her does.     

"My subconscious reared it's somnambulant head"

Here's proof that E.L James has access to a thesaurus but no idea how to use it. Call me an uneducated pleb but I don't think I've seen or heard that word outside of Call My freaking Bluff. It's one of the most obscure uses of a pretentious noun I think I've ever seen in a piece of writing, and I've read Dan Brown. It actually means sleepwalking, which doesn't make sense in the context anyway. How can you rear your sleepwalking head?

So Grey is horny and Ana is sewn up tighter than pair of tights on a tightrope walker but don't worry, Grey has the answer.

'Come'

Rushing ahead of ourselves there a tad. Oh I'm sorry, thought you were finished. Carry on

'We're going to rectify the situation right now' (have you just referred to a girls maidenhead as a situation?)

'What situation?'

'Your situation. Ana, I'm going to make love to you, now'

This both shocks and excites Ana more than I think is humanly possible. Grey even jokingly adds that he will only do so with her permission and doesn't want to push his luck. I think he got permission to do this around ninety pages ago

'Please come to bed with me, I want our arrangement to work'

 

Naturally the only way this 'arrangement' is going to work is with Ana flat on her back, front or whatever position Grey takes a devious shining to. She's hardly going to argue the point; for all she knows he could naked wheelbarrow race her around room and say it's the missionary position. You know nothing, Ana Steele. Jon Snow's the font of carnal knowledge compared to you. That's where this charming remark comes into play I guess.

'We can start your training to tonight - with the basics'

The basics being this bit goes in here, these bad boys travel up there, babies come out here. Okay I'm guess I'm being overly mean. She probably has had some sex ed at least, I mean she went through at least five years of her life knowing that she either didn't want to do it or did but wanted to wait for the right person to come around. I can respect that. No seriously I can, this at least gives Ana some kind of character traits as such; patience, romantic mind set and above all else self control and pride. Good on you girl. It's shame all it takes is Grey to say that he wants to take her to bed for to lose all loss of personality building in one fell shafting. But that comes later (pardon the pun) Lets continue with Grey showing off his caring, understanding side.

'This doesn't mean I've come over all hearts and flowers; it's a means to an end'

What he is saying here is that everything he will do henceforth will be a falsehood of epic proportions. Think of it as Kryten with his lie mode on. Imagine what would happen if he forgot where the switch was:

'Your situation. Ana, I'm going to make looouuuuuhhhhhhhffffffffff...

I want to make llllloooouuuuuuuufffffffffffff tuuuuuuuuu ooooooooooo'

So lets turn the falsehood into truth accepted, Grey is raring to go so just call him Mr Flintstone and let him make your bed rock. Yabadaba doo Ana now.

So after all this waiting we finally get to the nitty gritty of the story; sex. No bondage yet, at least not in this chapter. Just Christian Grey lying through his teeth in order to not feel so guilty when he's spanking arse like he's riding her to win the Grand National. This whole sex scene is a fraud and what makes it worse is no only that he openly admits it, but she goes along with it. This is just absurd and that's not even getting to writing of this particular scene. Here are some excerpts that caught my attention.

"He steps out of his converse and reaches down and takes off his socks individually" (as opposed to the traditional way of jumping off the ground and yanking them both off at the same time whilst catching some serious air)

"He gazes up at me through impossibly long lashes" (she quickly had to turn her head away before they impaled her eyeballs)

"He leans forward, running his nose up the apex between my thighs. I feel him. There" (I know you do, you just said he was skimming his nostrils on intimates. If you didn't feel him there his sense of direction or smell is pretty sub standard)

(or not)

   

" 'You smell so good,' he mummers, and closes his eyes. A look of pure pleasure on his face" (how exactly can you see that? given the position you're in surely the only part of him you can see is the top of his curly mopped dome. maybe he has very happy looking follicles)

"Still kneeling, he grasps my foot and takes off my Converse (we would like to remind our readers that other shoe brands are available) pulling off my shoe and sock. I raise myself up on my elbows to see what he's doing." (Why? Do you think he's suddenly pulled an alchemy set out his arse and is now frantically turning lead to gold between your legs? If you said you wanted just a better look at him then fine, but no you had to be dumber than that. What do you think he's doing you daft mare? HE'S TAKING YOUR SHOES AND SOCKS OFF!! YOU HAVE LITTERALLY JUST DESCRIBED THE SAME ACTION YOU ARE QUESTIONING!! ARRRGGGHHHHHHH!!! SCREW YOU JAMES!!!)

'You're very beautiful, Anastasia Steele. I can't wait to be inside you'

"Holy shit. His words. He's so seductive. He takes my breath away"(Bull shit. These words. They're so emotionless. They take one's piss away)

 "He kneels up and pulls a condom onto his considerable length (how would you know that? this is your first time. It could be the size of a pig in a blanket and you wouldn't be any the wiser) Oh no... Will it? How?" (fear not Ana, Grey will now explain all you need to know about the birds, bees and beavers)

'Don't worry,' he breathes, his eyes on mine. 'You expand too' (spoken like a true market researcher)

Bottom line is that Ana and Grey finally have sex and guess what? Ana kind of likes it. Such a surprise.

Overall this chapter is a testament to everything that's wrong with this book. Awful writing, shallow characters, stupid dialogue and just flat out absurdity in terms of normal human behaviour.

It also dives disturbingly into E.L James' self satisfied fan service, Grey starts calling Ana 'baby' during the throes of passion which as I've come to understand it is about as out of character for him as Ana knowing every position of the Karma Sutra. We have delved now into James' subconscious and it reads like Grey is making love to her in her own twisted fantasy...

I really feel like a shower now.